Shippou Soup with Seven Herbs and Spices
by artisanrox
Summary: A short, oneshot crossover. The Band of Seven has been hired to eliminate a series of disturbing targets. Bankotsu decides to take the job as his own. Hilarity ensues. Language warning.


Authoress's notes: Just a quick update on 9/5/05 to fix two teeeeeny formatting issues.

Another update on 10/19/05 to fix more formatting stuff.

I guess I should put some warnings here (rolls eyes) while I'm updating this thing. Slight, _slight _shonen-ai implications. I mean "_slight_" as in ONE goofy line. (Sheesh!) Also Kagome says stuffvery OOC in here. But I like it that way! Hahahaaa...(rubs hands evilly)

Basically, if you don't like/can't appreciate "cute" character bashing, don't read this. X)

**Shippou Soup with Seven Herbs and Spices.**

By artisanrox

A shrouded figure in a dark room lit only by one solitary flame from a candle. It was a meeting with the holy terror known throughout feudal Japan as the Band of Seven. They had gotten tips that there was a well paying job for them to eliminate a succession of three targets.

A piece of ancient parchment slid on the table to their leader, who was the only one seated opposite the shrouded figure. The other six stood behind him.

"I want you to take these targets out. Their unabashed cuteness is too grinding on the nerves to bear any longer."

"Cuteness?" questioned the dark young man who was their leader. He turned his head back partway and indirectly addressed the tall, bald man standing immediately behind him. "Renkotsu, read that contract for me before we leave. I want to make sure everything is clear before we jump into this."

Renkotsu was handed the paper. He read various stipulations and requirements and addendums, and lowered the paper from his face when finished.

"Cute stuff, huh." he was thoughtful. "You know, I better do this myself. I have a bad feeling about it. When I get paid, I'll make sure I split it with you guys when I finish. I promise."

"Awww, I wanna attack some cute stuff too!" said a man with humongous, sharp-looking claws on either hand.

"No, you _won't_. I'm getting a feeling that this is different than what we're used to."

"You know, sometimes you really SUCK, Big Bro'!" said the clawed man, raising his hands.

Bankotsu slowly turned around, with one hand in a fist on the the table on front of him, and the other arm bent and propped up on the chair he was seated in. Under his eyebrows, he glared hotly at the clawed man.

That's all it took. The clawed man lowered his hands.

"I'll set off immediately," said the young man as he turned back toward the shrouded figure at the opposite end of the table.

* * *

Our intrepid, fearless-leader-like villain trudged across a sunlit field. He all-too-conveniently found a pretty park bench with a figure sitting on it. This one fit the description. He locked on his first target. 

Looking more closely, he was suddenly...disappointed. She looked like nothing more than a small child. What was her name? He remembered it having been read to him. It was Chibi Usa. As in Sailor Moon. As in the unbearably cute little pink-pigtailed, big-headed girl from Sailor Moon. Ugh.

Chibi Usa sat onthe little park bench, in the sunshine, while little pink hearts flew up from her starry eyes. She was sighing a lot, and writing something. "I can't wait until I finish this love letter to Pegasus!" she excitedly and dreamily said. "He's sooooo handsome. I can't wait to go to the moon with him so I can marry him and we can make lots of little Chibi Usas and Pegasususususes...uh...together!"

A dark shadow enveloped the little pink-haired monster.

Chibi Usa turned around. She scanned Bankotsu up and down, and let out a little laugh. "Gosh, _you're_ pretty handsome too! Almost as handsome as Pegasus. He and I are gonna make lots of little Chibi Usas and Pegasusususususes together!"

Bankotsu cocked an eyebrow. At least her words revealed that she was definitely what he was looking for. But...it would be way too unfair to _do_ anything to her. He just couldn't find it in his heart. The warrior in him slowly melted away, leaving only the disappointment he felt in seeing his target. Damn that whole "honesty" and "code of honor" thing.

Totally ignoring Bankotsu's icy, albeit thoughtful expression, she just continued babbling. "You know, I should just make it easy on myself and say 'Pegasi'."

Bankotsu looked more confused than before. The girl was really strange.

"Hey! Maybe we can fix you up with someone nice. Sailor Mercury is so sweet...she needs a nice, handsome boy like you. She isn't into dating yet, but you could change that."

Bankotsu was emotionally and spiritually knocked off center with that. "Uh-"

"Want her phone number? I have it if ya want it!" Her eyes were hopeful, relishing the thought of her attempt in setting up the ridiculous blind date.

"Uh...no...um, thank you." Bankotsu found himself blushing. Just the tiniest, slightest bit. Now, unfortunately, he had to do the dirty work. He had to eliminate this...this Chibi Usa. Not being able to find in his heart of hearts anything cruel enough to have him use his Banryuu, he decided the best way to get her out of the fanfic was to do something a little less drastic.

He leaned over, the huge Banryuu inches away from Chibi Usa's humongously out-of-proportioned head...and popped her little love letter with a teeny glint of lightning.

Chibi Usa started tearing up as she beheld the charred, smoking piece of paper in her little hands. "You...you are so MEEEEEEAN! I worked for a whole FIVE MINUTES on that love letter and YOU go ahead and ruin it!"

Bankotsu leaned over, and supported himself on the park bench with his free hand, his face lowered and hidden, his eyes closed. He took the verbal beating like a man, torn between duty and humanity.

"That love letter was SPECIAL! It was ONE OF A KIND! It was...it was..." she broke down into tears. "It was written on closeout paper that I got from Wal-Mart! I'll NEEEEEEEVER find that paper again!"

Bankotsu opened his eyes.

"I HATE YOU!" Chibi Usa grabbed all her various cute things she had spread on the park bench, and stomped out of the fanfic.

Bankotsu sighed. He really _hated_ his job sometimes.

Walking along the all-too-convenient road, Bankotsu met up with his second assignment up for annihilation, as per the authoress: Togepi from Pokemon. He looked down at the adorable, uber-cute ball of irresistability on the half-shell, and briefly mentioned that he was afraid of it for some reason. The thing squeaked out its name. "Toge-toge-toge-toge-prrrrrrrriiiii!" It waved its little arms and padded around in babyish, directionless circles at the young warrior's feet.

"So that's a Togepi," Bankotsu said in deep thought, and slight fear. "I'm looking right at it, but I'm still freaking clueless. What the hell IS a Togepi?" Togepi squeaked and babbled in seeming response. Well, maybe_not_ in response. But we'll pretend it was.

The authoress really wasn't sure what a Togepi was either, despite the fact that she was a regular watcher of Pokemon, and those episodes included many, many moments of actually seeing Togepi. She just knew it annoyed her to no end. So literally, in the middle of writing this fanfic, the authoress had to go to and _look up_ what exactly a Togepi is in case she missed something important on the show.

She didn't.

After the authoress researched the little creature, she made the info known to her customer service representative from the Band of Seven.

Bankotsu looked down again at the terrifyingly comforting sight of the Togepi. He sweated and rubbed his forehead as he peered down upon the all-too-loveable Pokemon, who was in the shadow of the mighty Banryuu.. "You have GOT to be kidding. Gosh...I...can't do it. It just...wouldn't be right..."

Do it, or I'll write in something to make you do stuff that'll make everyone's noses bleed.

Bankotsu groaned, for his burden was heavy. How to fulfill his contract, and get the Togepi out of the fanfic without hurting it?

He had to think hard for a moment. The wily leader called out for his brother. "Ginkotsu!"

"Gesh." Ginkotsu came rolling up. "Gesh?" he said again, questioning his fearless leader.

Bankotsu rolled his eyes. "No, I do not know if a tree falling in the woods with no one around makes a sound, and it's not the appropriate time to discuss philosophy." Bankotsu told him to let a wire with a hook at the end loose, and Ginkotsu happily complied. Bankotsu knew the creature was starting to affect Ginkotsu also, because he usually didn't "happily" comply to anything. He usually just did it and said "Gesh!". He hooked the end of the wire to Togepi, and spun him around over his head like a lasso, and let the Togepi fly out of the fanfic.

* * *

A busy street in Cerulean City. Ash was annoyed. Misty was crying. Brock was looking for girls. So Brock was neither annoyed, nor crying. Ash waited on a concrete set of steps for Misty, who had been continually tearing and parading all around the city, holding up a sign with Togepi's picture on it with "LOST!" and "REWARD!" written on it. 

Misty weepingly said to the guys (who weren't really listening anyway) that they've been looking for Togepi for too long, he's gone forever. She pleaded with Ash to help her look more. Still holding out her arms towards Ash, she felt something round and cute land right in them.

Well, call her gobsmacked, if it wasn't Togepi!

Misty was delighted, and said, "I don't even know the kind soul who returned him so I can give that person a reward!"

Brock butted in. "I hope it's a beautiful girl so I can thank her personally!"

Ash didn't say anything because he just wanted to get to the next gym already. They all departed.

* * *

Bankotsu wiped his brow. "Phew!" said Bankotsu. He leaned on Ginkotsu and looked at him. "Thanks. You helped a lot, bro'." "Gesh, gesh gesh, gesh." Bankotsu looked at him, puzzled. "Huh? You usually don't say that many 'gesh'es at one time, bro'..." He thought about the situation. "I guess that the evil, manipulative authoress just likes to write 'Gesh' a lot." 

"Gesh!" said Bankotsu. I mean, GINkotsu.

Bankotsu looked at the authoress with searing cobalt eyes. Sorry! XD

Trying to recover from the mind-bending cuteness that is Togepi, Bakotsu entered a beautiful, flower-filled field where butterflies flitted. Beneath a cherry blossom tree from which petals happily floated down, slept Shippou, who Bakotsu remembered was his third target, as per having his contract read to him. A beautiful shaft of light, Just For Shippou(tm), because he's so farking cute, infiltrated the spaces between the leaves where he lay, and softly woke him up.

Somewhere, on somebody's huge pipe organ, a bombastic evil-summoning musical chord played.

Shippou freaked out when he caught a glimpse of Bankotsu and the rest of the Seven behind him, and immediately commenced crying. Bankotsu put his free arm (since the other still held the terrifying Banryuu) on his hip, and rolled his eyes. He darkly looked to the side and impatiently began tapping a foot.

SUDDENLY!1!11one, Inuyasha's entire posse came out of the woodwork, and standing to the side, cheered on Shippou. Kagome shouted words of encouragement. "You can do it Shippou! Take 'im down!"

The other six members of the Band of Seven stood at the other side of the flowery field, and shouted curses at the exceptionally cute little demon. Suikotsu piped up. "Who dares rival our exceptionally handsome, vertically challenged fearless leader?"

Jakotsu was stunned. "'Exceptionally handsome' is the type of thing _I _am supposed to say!"

Suikotsu had to agree. "Yeah, and the authoress managed to throw a cheesy 'short' joke in there, too!"

Jakotsu was unimpressed. He arched an eyebrow up and one corner of his mouth down. "_She_ is not a towering fortress herself, so what right does _she_ have making 'short' jokes?"

Suikotsu shrugged. "I dunno." Suikotsu tore himself away from Jakotsu's distracting light banter and faced the two opponents. "Whatever. Hey! Smash 'im like a piece of garlic! He's the one that messed with us!"

Both Shippou and Bankotsu looked at them at the same time, waving their hands. "NO, it's NOT LIKE THAT!", and Bankotsu alone amended the words "you dumbass!" to the end of it.

Suikotsu didn't care. "Bah! Blood makes the grass grow!" was the terse reply he gave to both of them. Shippou cried. Bankotsu swore he'd give Suikotsu a good thrashing when he was done with all this.

Helpless to argue, so to fulfill his contract, Bankotsu struck at the whimpering Shippou, trying to go as easy on him as he could. Shippou countered with the "Utterly Irresistable 'Good Character' Cuteness Shield!".

Suikotsu was frustrated. "Punt him like a football between a set of goalposts!" yelled Suikotsu.

Jakotsu made some funny hand signals in front of his face, then turned to his comrade, puzzled. "I'm trying to visualize that, and it's not working. What the heck is 'football'? What are 'goalposts'?"

Suikotsu continued. "Well, ya see, it's this really cool, compeltely barbaric sport where a bunch of guys try to..."

Bankotsu, hearing their babble, turned around partway, and gave the two of them such a dirty look out of the corner of an eye that they got the fear of God in them, and instantly shut up. Bankotsu turned around again, facing his opponent.

Suikotsu grinned and Jakotsu giggle-snorted.

Bankotsu continued to strike--lightly!--at the "Utterly Irresistable 'Good Character' Cuteness Shield!". The longer Bankotsu went on against Shippou, the guiltier he felt, because Shippou...just...wasn't...countering. He, in fact, had NO attacks.

However, the Banryuu could not break Shippou's cute little magical shield...because that's the way it is. Bankotsu rested for a while. He was tired and he breathed hard.

Bankotsu pointed toward the authoress, gasping for air, and said, "Hey. I am NOT...supposed to...be tired...after that!"

Well, you are. Because it's MY fanfic and that's what I want you to do. GET YER OWN FANFIC!

Bankotsu sighed, rolling his eyes and turned again toward the crying, snotty, cringing Shippou. He laid down another round of light attacks on Shippou's shield.

All of a sudden, the shield disappeared. Bankotsu stopped attacking, utterly confused, and thoroughly miffed. However, he noticed something about Shippou's hands...they were glowing pink!

Shippou, seemingly not under his own control, started floating in the air, hands and legs wide apart. As the tears rolled down his face onto his shirt, he let out one last humongous whimper. The electricity mightily discharged from his hands, spreading out and landing to the east and to the west as far as the eye could see.

Bankotsu had had enough. He got the huge Banryuu blade, turned it point down, and with a huge explosion of rocks and soil, drove it into the ground so the hilt was at his elbow level. He leaned over, and exasperatedly draped his arms across the supporting blade. He touched his head to his arms and crossed his back foot.

He looked up just enough to see the tearing, tiny Shippou with one cobalt eye, framed by a perfectly arched, deeply furrowed black eyebrow. He said slowly...very slowly, hoping the little demon would comprehend. "Shippou...I'm...over..._here_."

There was a slight pause, and Inuyasha started to sniff the air. "I smell...hmmm. Someone is coming." He sniffed the air as the scent got stronger. "No, I smell...someoneS coming. A whole _lot _of someones."

Kagome looked at Inuyasha vapidly, albeit prettily. "Oh, gosh! Does it smell like corpses and graveyard soil?"

Inuyasha didn't need any time to analyze the smell for that.

"Nah."

"Does it smell like Kouga?"

"Nah."

She let out a pretty little sigh. "Darn."

Inuyasha fell over and quickly got back up again. "_WHAT_?"

"Oh, nothing." Hah. She finally found something more effective at keeping Inuyasha in line than saying that silly "_SIT!" _thing!

Still glaring at the strange words, he sniffed again, "It...smells like..."

Miroku put his hand up to check the horizon, smiling. Even though there was no way he could pick up on the scent first, he knew exactly what it was. "It's 'Curve' perfume!"

Sure enough, running in from Shippou's right, a swarm of girls in modern clothes arrived, running right towards Bankotsu. Bankotsu perked up, and narrowed his disbelieving eyes.

Kagome somehow recognized this technique. "Oh, no! It's the Frenzied Braid-Undoing Armor-Removing Fangirl Swarm Attack!"

Another swarm ran in from the left, right to where Jakotsu stood.

Inuyasha was impressed. "And it's their yaoi-loving backup troops!" he said. "This is really _bad_!"

Miroku looked over, puzzled. "It...is?"

Sango promptly bopped him upside the head.

The fangirls overtook Jakotsu and Bankotsu so quickly, not even Jakotsu had time to unsheath his lightning-fast weapon. The girls made Jakotsu completely immoble while pinning Bankotsu well down to the ground. The sheer amounts of Curve the girls were wearing were getting to Bankotsu's head...he clearly looked dizzy, while Jakotsu was mostly just annoyed as he was rather used to it, and actually had a sample bottle himself back at the camp. Which he never used, because he threw it in the back of a drawer he never looked in.

Once they had the two of them firmly under their control, they made off with them, giggling and laughing.

Jakotsu was more than perturbed with all those filthy women at first, but eventually ended up getting a kick out of it, as he did with all things. "You know, this _does_ remind me of when I ended up crowdsurfing at that _Scissors Sisters _concert!" he said with a loud laugh.

Kagome ran towards the recovering Shippou. She hugged him. "I'm sooooo happy you stood up for yourself! See? You're not really the useless, annoying, irritating character that lots of people know...uh, think you are!"

Shippo's eyes were sparkly and teary as he dried them off. "I'm so grateful Bankotsu challenged me! Because I just know that he brought out the _warrior_ in me!" Shippou dried his eyes more and continued. "I hope Bankotsu eventually comes around to the good side because that's..." -he pulled out a cute little Shippou-sized script- "that's...uh, my job as a cute good character. And the authoress told me to say that she finds Bankotsu _unbearably_ attractive and she's sure she can take down any rabid fangirl who gets in her way with 'im, and will not hesitate to stoop to take down Bankotsu herself, if he's not open to going willingly, but she also said that's another goofy fanfic." He put his script away.

Both Inuyasha's _and_ Bankotsu's respective posses stared down the authoress, who had just materialized between the two groups. Sorry!...XD

As Bankotsu and Jakotsu were carried awa-

"_HEY_!" interrupted Suikotsu, waving his claws. "Don't I get to rip the cute little freak apart now?"

Renkotsu frowned calmly. "Get over yourself."

Suikotsu sulked.

* * *

Later on, but not too much later on, in a run-down shack in the middle of a forest, Bankotsu and his comrade, Jakotsu, were still being held captive by Shippou's devestating Frenzied Braid-Undoing Armor-Removing Fangirl Swarm Attack. (And we can't forget their yaoi-loving backup troops.) They sat side-by-side, their hands and feet bound by bright pink Skechers shoelaces. 

True to their captors' multiple names, Bankotsu's braid was undone, hencehence, and his hair flowed freely, some of it trailing elegantly down a shoulder, the rest down his back, all of it almost reaching the ground. All his armor was previously removed, hencehencehence, leaving only the white gi. The girls whimsically decided to give him a rakish opening of his gi top. Because the rabid fangirls knew that bound, captured bishounen always looked better with just a tease of chest showing through.

Bankotsu began analyzing the situation for a way out, now that his head was getting acclimated to the perfume. Coming across a hint of an idea, he tapped his comrade's left foot with his own right foot. It was a gesture so small, the roomful of ditzy fangirls never noticed.

Jakotsu, way too obviously, looked at each of their feet, smiled and leaned in closer to Bakotsu. "Are you playing..._footsies_...with me, oo-aniki?"

Banktosu rolled his eyes, counted down from ten to one, and sighed heavily through his teeth, looking to the side exasperatedly. The fangirls weren't the only ditzes in the room. It made Jakotsu let out a little "oh" when it finally dawned on him what his comrade was trying to tell him.

Bankotsu turned toward the fangirls in the room. He turned on that charm that he used so many times before to make so many girls he knew in the past completely helpless. A cunning smirk ran across his face like a drip of rain falling steadily from a drainpipe.

"Hey. You with the legs," he huskily spoke to no particular fangirl in ..uh..particular. "You gonna be the lucky one to untie me?"

At least six fangirls turned toward him. They kept on looking at each other, puzzled, trying to figure out to which of them he referred.

"Yeah. _You_." His teeth flashing, his searing eyes settled upon a plain looking brunette. "Wanna...let me loose and see what I can do fer ya?"

Another of the girls, a taller, strawberry blonde, barged right in front of her. "Out of my way! He was talking to me!" A dark-haired girl also barged in front of the plain girl, and gave the strawberry blonde a hard shove. "No, he was talking to ME!"

He closed his eyes for a moment. "Or you can tie me up even tighter." He opened them and glared again at the three of them, cocking an eyebrow. "Doesn't matter to me. Being tied up is actually pretty cool...if you're with someone who knows what they're doin'."

All six fangirls passed out on the spot. The authoress closed her mouth to stop drooling on her keyboard. Some fangirls came over to see what the commotion was about, some dragged their defeated partners-in-crime away to recover. More ended up listening to their prisoner, helplessly entranced.

Bankotsu leaned back against the wall behind him. He inhaled deeply, then glared again at the girls. "I usually wouldn't use shoelaces though. I prefer red ribbons. Or maybe even red licorice strings."

More fangirls passed out, and were carried away.

Jakotsu was impressed. "Silly, stupid women. Gosh, you're really clearing them all out, aren't you?" He snickered and winked at the yaoi loving fangirls. "I'll be more than happy to tell _them_ what I think of your _big...bad...banryuu..._ in the meantime!"

The authoress's fingers were burning. She couldn't believe she just typed that.

The yaoi fangirls collectively plotzed to the floor, helpless. That took care of them!

Leaning against the wall still, Bankotsu's eyes flashed toward his friend for a moment, grateful that he finally caught on. He then took his eyes back to his own share of the drooling, mesmerized girls.

He raised himself up from leaning on the wall, causing his gi shirt to fall not-quite-unpurposefully down, settling around his bound hands. He leaned back against the wall, a pained expression on his face. He inhaled again and glared hotly right through the silly fangirls' black souls. "So...who wants to be first to kiss my aching, searing, battle-won wounds?"

It went without saying that the authoress took way too much pleasure in writing that.

The fangirls glared at each other now. They were at the limit of what they could tolerate. "ME!" promptly said one petite girl.

"No, you little wench. ME!" cut in another girl desperately.

"You're both SO wrong! I"m going to-"

And with that, every conscious fangirl left over in the room started tugging at each other. Eventually they became so involved in knocking each other out, the petty catfight turned into a huge, roiling, messy dustcloud.

"Now's our chance!"

Jakotsu watched Bankotsu as he leapt up to his bound feet, and hopped over to a corner vanity. Using his teeth to open the drawer, he spied a pair of tiny, delicate scissors that bended at an angle. Cuticle clippers, actually. A total anachronism in feudal Japan, but a useful anachronism nonetheless...just like all the other anachronisms in this fic. Like multiple-tailed, flying fire critters or furry swords were any more realistic. He turned around, grabbed them behind his back, and quickly cut through the shoelaces binding his hands. He undid his feet, then freed Jakotsu.

Jakotsu was distracted by the fine quality of the cuticle clippers, and made his way to try and wander over to the vanity to see what else interesting there was in there.

Bankotsu angrily rolled his eyes again. His friend was worse than a damned Togepi. He grabbed his much taller comrade by the scruff of the neck, and passed the rolling ball of fighting fangirls in the middle of the room. He ran towards the front entrance, dragging Jakotsu in tow, flung the door open, and threw Jakotsu out of it. Jakotsu landed hard on his rear as Bankotsu flew by, taking the stairs in one giant leap, and grabbing him yet again by the collar. Once Jakotsu was out of the distracting prettiness of the lil' love shack, he didn't need any more encouragement running away.

They made their way into the night. Jakotsu giggled, and resolved that sometimes he'd have to look into buying a pair of those neat cuticle clippers off eBay.

The End.


End file.
